Dose of the clap.

Look, I know this makes me sound as if I'm ninety, but when I was a kid, there were certain rules about modesty. We were even told -- in classroom elections for example -- that you never vote for yourself. In a gesture of goodwill and sportsmanship, you vote for your opponent, and pray that he or she votes for you, or else you'll look pretty silly.

Probably the chief among my many guilty pleasures is live, televised award shows. The more stuff that goes wrong, the worse the musical numbers, the more embarrassing the acceptance speeches, the better I like it.

But I am sick of the sight of actors applauding themselves during the nominations.

Don't do it. Look pleased or mug for the camera or adopt an expression of completely fake humility or take the opportunity to whisper to your companion that you're out of half-and-half at home, as if you're not currently being viewed by millions of viewers . . . I don't care. But drop the hands for a few seconds. (And don't use the excuse that you're on autopilot because you can't hear the announcements.)

Same with people getting ovations at the beginning of, say, Saturday Night Live. Yeah, you may be applauding the band. You may be humbly deflecting the favor by congratulating the audience (though I don't know what for, they only just got there and they didn't even have to pay for their seats). But don't. When they're clapping you, keep your hands away from each other.

Everybody got that? Don't make me come up there.

And I hope Barrack Obama voted for John McCain.

(Hey, my Google blogger spell-check didn't recognize "Obama." Suggested "Alabama" instead. "McCain" got through. Hmmmm.)