All the news that's fit to print.

Headline from Associated Press:  "Miley Cyrus: I'm really comfortable with my body."

Oh good. I was so worried. (Oy.)

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I've been wondering about the suitability of this next one, which has been sitting on my desk for a month. If you still retain any respect for me as a writer and humorist (ha!), stop now: do not read any further. But there's such an irresistible ambiguity, particularly for American readers. Ah, what the heck, I'm 53, go for the funny.

This is from the British Press Association, via the Guardian newspaper. Children and those of a tasteful disposition have been warned. Under the headline "Pensioner imprisoned for having s*x with donkey and horse." (See, I told you.)

A 66-year-old-man was jailed today for having s*x with a horse and a donkey. Joseph Squires was sentenced to a total of 22 months, a Leicester crown court official confirmed today. He previously pleaded guilty to bu**ery of a donkey between 2 February and 5 February 1999, and b*gg*ry with a horse between 15 and 18 March 2004. Squires, of Leicester, also admitted charges of damaging property -- relating to the two animals on the same dates . . .

On the same "dates"? Dates. Was it dinner and a movie first? That would account for the property damage -- it's hard for a donkey to work those tip-up seats in the multiplex. But what movie would you choose to get her in a romantic frame of mind? (Note that I say "her." I'm assuming, of course, that the animals were female -- I'd hate to see this cross the line into something kinky.)

And why so late? I mean, did the donkey suddenly say, "Hey, that guy said he'd call me, and it's been eleven years . . ."

Okay, enough with the filth. But it makes you proud to be British, which is more than can be said for the England football team, who need a collective kick up the a--

No! Must . . . resist . . . lure . . . of  . . . cheap  . . . equine . . . pun . . .