Now my Dad never owned a pair of jeans in his life either. His casual pants were strictly gray flannel, identical to the ones he wore to his factory job. He never owned a polo shirt or a tee-shirt either, his only concession to the elusive English summer being a "sports shirt," a short-sleeved version of the collared dress shirts he wore all year. On Saturdays, maybe a v-neck pullover would replace the weekday sports jacket and tie, always visible at the neckline of his overalls. Sundays meant Church. Church meant a suit.
|Me aged 10, Dad aged 49. At home. Ignore bad haircut.|
Why bring this up? Well, the prodigiously funny and thoroughly naughty Amy Schumer did a skit in her Comedy Central show a week or so ago about a group of women solemnly visiting the Museum of Boyfriend Wardrobe Atrocities ("Heather dated Mark in his bowling shirt for two years" begins the downbeat audio tour.) It culminates with a display of 5,200 pairs of Crocs. "Did this really happen?" asks a horrified little girl, whose coat stays bright red as the rest of the image fades to black and white.
Here's my problem. The camera scans down one exhibit -- woolly hat, Beats, red striped polo, roomy black khakis, red Converse sneakers. "What you see before you may not look so bad," says the narration, so far confirming my opinion (although the hat is mistake, as hats usually are), "until you know that it was worn by Simon . . . aged fifty-five."
Gasps of horror from the mainly female museum-goers. Gasp of horror from a middle-aged male member of the viewing audience, too. Okay, I mentioned the hat, I use buds,not Beats, and my polos are never crested. But as for the rest . . . (I have a pair of purple Converse, I use them to accessorize a black suit.)
|Just add purple Converse . . .|
But it seems even this level of caution is not enough. So now what do I do?
I can't dress like a 20-year-old.
I can't dress the way I did when I was 20.
I can't dress the way my Dad did when he was my age.
What do baby boomers switch to, when their hair also goes winter and their reading glasses stay on all the time?
Where do we go to learn this stuff, Amy?